It is well documented that, in 2007, a sect of Jehovah's Witnesses came together and cast a spell on Plaxton Emmons. This spell sent Plaxton hurtling through the local Multiverse, leaping from parallel earth to parallel earth, searching for a way home and righting any wrongs he would come across. From his journals we get a glimpse into his trials and tribulations throughout his journey home, and finally his vengeance upon his implaxable foe... The Jehovah's Witness. These are his tales:
Earth 778: Ancient Greece
The Thirteenth Labour of Plaxcules
When Plaxton awoke and found himself in Ancient Greece, the locals thought him a god of Olympus. "I'm no deity" shouted Plaxton (as he often does), but these poor souls were in need of something to believe in. They needed a hero, and Plax is always up to a challenge, so they took him to the king. King Eurystheus doubted in Plaxton's incredible abilities, so before assisting him in locating dimensional rifts, he set Plax on 12 labours to prove his worth. Plaxton begrudgingly agreed and set off to Nemea to slay a man-killing lion that had been wreaking havoc among the villagers there.
Upon reaching Nemea, Plaxton wasted little time in locating the great beast. The monster man eater snarled as Plaxton lunged his spear. The lion batted it away with it's enormous paw. As his spear fell to the ground another item fell from Plaxton's tunic, his trusty Gideon New Testament Bible. The lion was aghast, seemingly recognizing the pocket sized book. "YOU ARE NOT OF THIS TIME!" he roared! Plaxton, though stunned by seeing a giant speaking lion for the second time in his life, replied "yes, I'm from another time and place, sent into the multidimensional void by the cult known as Jehovah's Witness." The lion licked his lips seemingly chewing on the fat of the information just provided him. "I believe your tale, you seem to be an honest and true hero, will you join me to Mount Olympus, so that my pantheon and I may help you enter the next dimension."
"Your pantheon?" Plaxton asked. The lion became swathed in a cloak of bright light as he transformed into a muscular, bearded elderly man. "I apologize for the deception my new friend. I am actually Zeus! God of Thunder and Lightning; and Skyfather of the Olympian Pantheon!" Plaxton replied, "Oh, well now you have my apologies, for there is only One God, and you are not he!" "Agree to disagree." said Zeus. "Now let us away to Eternal Olympus!"
Atop Mount Olypmus, Zeus told Plaxton's tale to the other Olympians. Having no love for the Jehovah and his witnesses, they agreed to outfit Plaxton with gifts fit only for the gods. Athena bestowed Plaxton with a cybernetic eye that could see all wavelengths of light, including lies. Hercules blessed him with immense strength after a quick wrestle and training session in the greco martial art known as pankration. Ares and Apollo gave him a laser pistol that shot beams of concentrated solar radiation. Hephaestus a mighty shield and indestructible armor. Aphrodite and Artemis gave him a night of passion. Plaxton did not wear a condom, and got very deep inside their divine guts. All of Olympus joined in on the orgy at the request of Bacchus. The Earth shook that night under the Thunder of Zeus's immortal orgasms.
The next morn, Zeus gave Plaxton the location of the dimensional portal. "Thank you for the information, however, I made a solemn vow to King Eurystheus to complete his 11 more of his labours. The first was defeating and killing your lion form. Why were you killing innocent people by the way?" "They're but mortals, sometimes I like to transform into beasts and fuck em', sometimes I like to kill em'." "Fair enough", said Plaxton, "I'll take your mane as proof of my conquest, complete the other labours, then be on my way." "Hermes, take Plaxton wherever he wishes, then bestow some of your great speed to him." The messenger of the gods did as he was bade, and took our hero to Lake Lerna to slay a hydra.
The remaining labours went by him like a breeze. With the gifts given by the Olympians Plaxton defeated the Lernaean Hydra, captured the Ceryneian Hind, and finished all of the items on Eurystheus' shit list. Eurystheus was pleased and made Plaxton the official hero of Greece, giving him the name Plaxcules. Plaxcules made an announcement to the court. "I have but one more labour to perform." Everyone in the room looked confounded, but fell silent
Plaxton laid down on his back in the middle of the King's throne room. He breathed short rhythmic breaths. The king's court stood confused, "What is going on here? Be he possessed?" shouted the king. With one mighty push Plaxton gave birth to a litter of lion cubs. They quickly grew and slaughtered everyone in the palace, all except for King Eurystheus.
"CURSE YOU!!" the king muttered as Plaxton drew his sun gun and said "I knew you were a dirty J-Slug when first we met." The king on his knees proudly declared "Jehovah will protect m--." Plaxton interrupted, "Tell Jehovah I'm coming for him next you Witness swine." Plaxton pulled the trigger, incinerating the evil king. He then took a piss on the atomized ashes, kissed his lion cubs goodbye, and left Earth 778, never to return.